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  Have you ever caught yourself sitting in front of the television or computer watching a program that doesn’t necessarily interest you or provide any positive influence? Do you ever catch yourself gravitating towards gratuitous entertainment to numb away life stressors? Much like consuming “junk-food” we can also consume “junk-entertainment” as well. Bear in mind that I am not judging. In fact, there is a time and place for all things. However, moderation is key. Do you ever find that you consume televised or social media content out of habit as opposed to exploring other more healthy, productive, and spiritually, enlightening options? The point is, what we often find ourselves mindlessly consuming, we also often engage in similar behaviors with regards to our sense of self and how we interact with other people.

  Think of how you’re manifesting your life choices through this lens. What channel are you watching? Are you in a relationship with someone that is watching the same channel with you?

  Are you fearful of changing the channel and causing conflict with this person/people? Are you enjoying the shows on that channel? If you’re caught up in a cycle of living in fear that is masked as anger, depression, anxiety, etc. do you have a desire to feel differently? Do you have a desire to make a better and healthier choices?

  This book will not only encourage you to change the channel from fear to love but will also provide you with the ability to make that choice that maybe you don’t know you have.

  It has been said that most people fear speaking in public more than they fear death. This analogy is useful in helping us to conduct a personal inventory around our own sense of vulnerabilities. We must understand ourselves a little bit better before any personal recovery can be achieved.

  So, as we begin, I’d like for you to take a moment to close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Breathing deeply through the nose, being mindful of the expanse of your ribcage, hold for a few seconds longer, then slowly exhale through your mouth will cause your diaphragm to press down upon the vagus nerve which will engage a para-sympathetic “calming” response. When you’ve done this, we are going to explore and take inventory of some personal vulnerabilities. (Sounds like fun, right? It’s ok. You’re safe.) So, go ahead and close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. When you’re finished come back to this reading to continue. Take as long as you need. I’ll wait.

  Now that you’ve taken a few moments to take some slow deep breaths I’d like for you to just do a quick body scan. Starting at the top of your head down into your jaw, your neck, your shoulders, all the way down your back, through your legs and down into your feet. Assess the areas where there is tension. If you can, relax that area as much as possible. Just like the breathing exercise take as much time as you need to accomplish this task.

  Feeling a little bit more relaxed? I hope so. This next part is a little bit more personal. Whether or not you are comfortable engaging in this exercise in a public place or private I do want to let you know that the following questions may be somewhat triggering. Perhaps you’re at the beach, or you are enjoying your book at the breakfast table or perhaps sitting at your gate waiting for a flight. Regardless of your location I want you to be aware that the following inventory is personal. It is, however, critical to consciously assess the root of our insecurities. Without this assessment, it is like taking a trip without a map. We must see where we’ve been and to understand whether or not we want to leave an area. When we decide that we want to leave an area, we need a roadmap in order to get where we want to go.

  This is your map. We just need to figure out where we are first.

  I want you to close your eyes again. Take a deep breath and imagine yourself standing on a stage in front of thousands of people in the audience. You are also being televised. Millions of people are watching you via their televisions and computers. You look around the auditorium.

  It’s a magnificent space. You can hear the din of thousands of people chattering in the distance. There is a spotlight pointed directly at you. You are alone on this stage and as you are standing there you realize that you can only see the first two rows in the audience.

  You look at the front row and the people seated there.

  Everyone in the front row is someone you know personally. Some are family members. Some are “friends” or acquaintances. Some may be old school mates and co-workers. Some may be past lovers.

  All these people in the front row are judging you harshly.

  They are pointing fingers at you and laughing uncontrollably.

  Some are sitting there staring at you in judgment and disappointment.

  A couple of these people are taking deep breaths of resignation and checking their watches as if their time could be better spent elsewhere.

  Who are these people laughing at you?

  Can you see their faces clearly? Do you recognize them?

  Who is the person sitting in the middle pointing and laughing the hardest at you?

  Who is the person in the front row who cannot be bothered to point at you but instead sits there and stares at you with disapproval while they roll their eyes at you?

  Who are the rest of the people in the front row enjoying your discomfort?

  Now that you have identified the individuals in the front row let’s look at the second row of individuals. Keep in mind that this auditorium houses thousands and thousands of people but you are only able to see the people in the first two rows. These are the people that are the closest to you in your life. These are the people who hold space around you regardless of whether they are loving or toxic in their behaviors towards you.

  Take another deep breath.

  Ready?

  As you scan the second row of people in the audience you see them smiling at you with approval. Many of them are clapping and cheering. As you purposely move from the left to the right you recognize several faces. These are your cheerleaders in your life. You start to feel your shoulders relax. Several of them are holding a thumbs up. A couple are holding up signs with your name and a heart. The rest of them are chanting your name in support. Your heart returns to a normal rhythm.

  When you look at the second row of people who is the person who is clapping the hardest?

  Which person has tears streaming down their face in unconditional love and affection for you?

  Who is shamelessly yelling your name and waving a sign in support of you?

  Can you name the rest of the people in the second row?

  Now that you have identified the people in the first row as well as the people in the second row you are ready to begin your inventory.

  As you stand on stage you can feel the heat of the spotlight. Perhaps you are unsure as to why you are on stage to begin with. Maybe you can remember a time where you were on stage in the past.

  What were you feeling and thinking at that time?

  If you’ve never been on stage before, that’s OK. As you move through this exercise, simply imagine what you think you would feel.

  How would you describe your emotional state?

  Are you excited? Are you terrified? Are you numb? Are you fearless?

  Do you have something to offer all these people who are gathered in the auditorium?

  Why do you think the people are there?

  The point of this exercise is to isolate your vulnerabilities. When we imagine ourselves being the center of attention it can be overwhelming for many of us. Often people who have experienced trauma feel unworthy of love.

  So why is it so terrifying to be the center of attention?

  Let’s look at emotional trauma through the lens of a physical injury.

  Imagine that at some point in the distant past you are in an accident. For instance, let’s say that you are a child and you go on a bicycle ride. As you are riding your bicycle, a dog runs out in front of you causing you to veer off the road and into the ditch below. Now for the sake of this analog
y, let’s say you broke your leg.

  A broken leg is a terribly painful injury and one that requires emergency attention.

  Most people understand if you do not seek emergency attention for a broken bone, the injury will not heal correctly.

  Imagine instead of seeking emergency attention after breaking your leg, you manage to crawl all the way home. Let’s say you attempt to immobilize your leg with whatever materials you find. Perhaps you take some ibuprofen or some acetaminophen to help with the pain. Maybe you use ice packs to help with the swelling. You do not seek out professional help for your injury. Over time, your leg hurts a little less. However, you have a limp since the bone, although now healed, did not get set properly. Now that your leg has not healed correctly, you are not able to participate in the same physical activities as your peers. You can no longer try out for any of the sports teams you are interested in joining and you feel less attractive and, therefore, lose confidence in your ability to socialize or date. You are very insecure because of the way you walk now.

  Emotional trauma works in a similar way. If a person is emotionally traumatized and does not have support available immediately, then the person who experienced the trauma will do what they can to ease the painful after affects. Drug and alcohol addictions are but one after effect of emotional trauma. Other outcomes of trauma are dysfunctional thinking errors, low self-esteem resulting in unsatisfying or unhealthy intimate partner relationships, depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation. Trauma changes the landscape of how we live our lives in many ways. Trauma can be mitigated through therapy even many years later. Have you ever thought about the similarities between physical therapy and psychotherapy? Both variations of therapy work diligently to break down scar tissue and develop strength and mobility. Both can also be extremely painful, as well.

  The good news is, that like the broken leg, emotional trauma can be “reset”. It takes time, attention, and hard work through the rehabilitation process, but it can absolutely be accomplished with success. Psychotherapy and physical therapy are both painful processes. However, they are also worthwhile and effective.

  The point of this chapter is that we need to know what is broken in order to fix it. A lot of our issues are tied up in shame and shame can be a roadblock to recovery.

  As you read through this book, we will collectively pull back the layers of our shame and look inward to better define not only what is wrong and what needs to be fixed, but also how to fix it.

  I can sit here all day and tell you that you are a worthwhile human being. It takes absolutely nothing away from myself to say that to you. It is the equivalent of lighting a candle from another candle. However, there can be no amount of external validation a person can hear if they do not have the confidence that what they are hearing is the truth. Hopefully, this book will help you reprocess your unhealthy beliefs about yourself and your value as a human being in a healthy way.

  So, as you move forward remember this: if you go to a doctor with a limp that resulted from a broken leg many years ago and the doctor says, “We are going to have to do surgery to fix this,” you can rightly expect to go through some considerable discomfort. Having surgery on a previous injury is painful. However, the long-term effects of having surgery, as well as physical therapy to strengthen the leg will, theoretically, result in the ability to regain your mobility. Regaining your mobility will not only improve your physical health, but not having the limp and the increased ability to participate in athletic activities will have a significant impact on your feeling of emotional wellness and self-confidence. The same can be said for addressing old emotional traumas. Just like surgery, unpacking a traumatic event or events can feel maddening.

  Why would anyone want to investigate or explore traumatic events? Because, in doing so, you gain insight and power over the influence of the trauma. You relearn what you think about yourself through a powerful new and positive lens. You regain a new perspective about what happened to you and, in doing so, the trauma loses power. You realize your value and purpose in a renewed perspective.

  Can you imagine living a happy life without being adversely affected by trauma?

  When you read through the following chapters, remember the broken leg metaphor. Any emotional trauma that is triggered through your own rehabilitation process can be compared to a strength building exercise in post-surgery physical therapy. It is painful in the moment, but it is necessary for your long-term health and well-being.

  All of this is to help better define the process of trauma and how we work from that in both healthy (love-based) and unhealthy (fear-based) ways. Naturally, you’d be fearful of riding your bike near the area where you had your accident. That’s normal and natural to expect a fear response based upon a trauma. What is unhealthy is not ever getting on your bike again and being angry at all dogs for running in front of your bike. Do you see the difference? Being emotionally traumatized and not having the help of a professional to see you through can result in the creation of fear-based thinking. It’s only natural to be fearful of any situation, person or environment that resulted in trauma. However, it becomes problematic when it negatively transitions into a way of thinking that colors your entire world, your relationships, and everyday choices. It robs you of achieving your highest potential. It steals joy.

  If you’re surrounded by people who have their own traumas, then it’s even more likely that they are projecting their own fear-based behaviors upon you which magnifies your own experiences. (Remember the front row in the auditorium?) Think about it logically. Why would anyone invest energy in trying to bring you down or find enjoyment in your failures or discomfort? The only logic behind this is individuals with their own unresolved issues are still human beings seeking a connection. If a person feels “broken”, then they will naturally, albeit in a dysfunctional manner, seek out the “brokenness” in others. When they see something in another person that matches how they feel, they feel a sense of connection in the most unhealthy, dysfunctional way. If a “broken” person sees someone else with some level of “brokenness”, it tends to satiate the need to have connection. Remember, it never has anything to do with your own value or worthiness. When someone wants to see you fail, it’s merely because they want a connection with their own failures.

  Take a bow and exit stage right just for now. We will come back to the stage later.

  As I’ve come to realize in doing this work as a helper / healer I have found that my story and my personal narrative and life experiences are not unique. There’s a bit of relief in knowing that your own history is like the history of other people who have evolved out of their trauma. All humans crave and need connection with other people. The greatest source of distress is the fear of isolation. My own personal trauma is no different. While it may have been something I wore as a defense mechanism to move through the first half of my life, I have gratefully evolved to the point where it no longer affects me negatively, but instead is repurposed as fuel.

  As one of five children, I have had many opportunities in my life to grow and learn past my own trauma. I left home at the age of 20 to join the Air Force and, due to my military obligations, was never afforded an opportunity to cultivate a reciprocal relationship with my parents after that. It’s not that I didn’t try. However, as the years moved on, it became apparent that my absence created a difficulty in maintaining contact (control; influence) on their part. The relationship that we had existed only due to my effort to maintain it. I spent all my free time traveling all the way to Alabama from my duty station at Kirtland AFB in Albuquerque, New Mexico and back. Those were long, lonely drives across the country. Looking back, I realized that, at the time, I felt that I was obligated to do this. Whether it was implied through my family or culturally speaking, I do remember feeling guilty at the prospect of using my free time to do things that I wanted to do, such as travel to places I had never been or see a concert instead of using that money for ga
s or airfare to spend minimal time with family. It was a difficult experience to grow through that process and have the feeling that I was not worth enough (my assumption) for my parents to make the effort to reciprocate my efforts. I had expected that my parents would engage and maintain with me in a healthier way. However, looking back through the lens of who I am today, I realize that they did the best they could with all the pressures and responsibilities they had going on. I think they cared as best they could, given their own dynamics, cultural influences, and in particular, my father’s own emotional trauma. I realize now the evolution of who I am today is, in part, a direct result of being left to fend for myself in this world. I wouldn’t have asked for it at the time, but I am deeply grateful for the experience today, as it provided me with the ability to grow and reach a potential that I’m certain would not be obtained had I never left rural Alabama.

  It goes without saying that my experiences in life are vastly different than those of my siblings. To their own credit, through the years, they remained in constant contact with our parents, creating new memories and perhaps having opportunities to work through and let go of these harmful experiences. We all endured in differing but equal ways. Despite my trauma, and through my personal therapeutic growth, I can readily volunteer that I am grateful I was not groomed, out of some sense of loyalty, to adhere to any type of dogma or organized religion. As a child, I felt isolated and alone, as many children of addicts do. I look back now, and I realize that it was a critical dynamic that help me become the person that I am today. I really believe that, had I been in a family where we went to church and where we spent time together and where me and my siblings were not emotionally and physically abused, that we would’ve held some sense of appreciation and loyalty to our caregivers. That loyalty and appreciation would have, more than likely, caused me to adhere to some sense of religious dogma and or cultural attachment as a measure of connection and commitment to those individuals who sacrificed so much to my care and well-being, as many people often do. This is how religion, social norms, and cultural grooming is handed down from generation to generation. When a person has a healthy sense of belonging to a group, therein lies the implication of adhering to dogma, traditions, rules, and otherwise expectations of behaviors based upon those cultural norms. Children do not choose to become Christian or Muslim or Jewish or whatever because they read about it and decide that is their path in life, typically. People adhere to a faith mainly because of where they are born in the world and who their families are. Is it brainwashing? Is that too strong a statement? One thing is for sure in this book is, that at no point in time, do I want you to feel judged or blamed. You’re not wrong. If something you read feels triggering or makes you feel injured or offended, please know that the intention is to provide logical assertion and nothing more. You’re a beautiful and loving human being who deserves opportunities to right any wrongs and find peace, love, and joy. This includes your faith, regardless of how you found it.