Flip!
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Print ISBN: 978-1-54399-283-0
eBook ISBN: 978-1-54399-284-7
Synopsis
Introduction
Chapter One:Fear and Love
Chapter Two:Judgment
Chapter Three:Clutter
Chapter Four:Changing
Chapter Five:Clarity
Chapter Six:Accountability
Chapter Seven:Fear
Chapter Eight:Worthiness
Chapter Nine:Toxic behaviors
Chapter Ten:Pride
Chapter Eleven:Cultural influence
Chapter Twelve:Love
Chapter Thirteen:Honesty
Chapter Fourteen:Humility
Chapter Fifteen:Forgiveness
Chapter Sixteen:Gratitude
Chapter Seventeen:Conclusion
Synopsis
Flip!; From fear to love. Flipping the channel on dysfunctional thinking, cultivating confidence and living a life fueled with joy and purpose.
Flip! was written for people who have experienced trauma, abuse, neglect, or any kind of adverse life altering experience at some point in their lives. These experiences often result as a life of neutrality, avoidance of conflict, people pleasing, tolerating toxic behaviors and poor boundary setting. These individuals typically have low self-esteem and lack of worthiness who feel trapped in their relationships, jobs, and personal goals. Flip! explains the difference between the fear-based mindset and the love-based mindset. Each chapter touches upon a dynamic that the reader is invited to explore in their own life by using the definitions and vignettes that are provided. While Flip! is organized by chapter, it is not linear. Like reading a dictionary, the reader can find a topic and read up on their lunchbreak without feeling overwhelmed with the construct of consuming a “front to back” self-help experience.
Flip! is beneficial to the reader because it is a steppingstone in making significant life changes. Many people who are in a “rut” in life may feel depressed and/or anxious daily. While there are many legitimate mental health conditions that require the interventions of a professional therapist, there are also changes that a person can make in their life that will mitigate some of the causes of these conditions. Flip! addresses these issues and provides the reader with a sense of validation in their quest to live a better, more fulfilling life.
I am a licensed clinical social worker in the state of Colorado. I am the Regional Director of Psychological Health for the United States Air Force Reserve Command. I currently serve over 4,000 service members across the front range region of Colorado. I specialize in trauma therapy and have a specialty in military trauma and childhood sexual trauma. I regularly provide needs assessments to my members and referrals to therapists in the area where they serve. Many of my airmen present with issues that can be resolved with affirmative life changes. It’s just that many of them feel trapped and isolated in their desire to effect changes in their own lives. Flip! is a journey that incorporates my professional experience but also my own personal experiences in overcoming a traumatic childhood. I am a veteran of the US Air Force Security Forces and am also a former Army wife. I am a mother to two awesome kids. I gladly demonstrate my vulnerability in my narratives as a measure to connect with my audience and incorporate my personal stories throughout the chapters. I have personally experienced these battles and I’ve worked diligently over the years to learn ways to overcome, survive and thrive past them.
This book is dedicated to my son Nick and my daughter Avery.
I learned how to love me because of you.
Thank you.
I love you Schlowski and Monk.
Mom
Flip!
From Fear to Love: Flipping the channel on dysfunctional thinking, developing confidence, making amends and living a life fueled with joy and purpose.
Written by: Alma Leigh Mohr LCSW
Edited by: Pamela D. Summers
Introduction
Flip!
From fear to love: Flipping the Channel on dysfunctional thinking
Did you know that you have the power to live a life of purpose and joy without the need for external validation?
Did you know that you can eradicate the emotional pain caused by trauma from your life with no residual shame, guilt, or regret?
You and only you hold the key to your value and worthiness in your life. No one else can change, erode, or take away your worth.
It’s ok if you’re unsure. Read on:
Do you compare your life, job, marriage, appearance, intellect or other aspects of your life to other people and as a result feel inadequate?
Do you think that you deserve to feel less than others?
Are you hurting?
Do you tolerate toxic behaviors from people in your life?
Do you have a problem saying “no” to others without feeling guilty?
Has your own trauma / emotional baggage caused you to act in ways that has caused harm to other people and now you don’t think you deserve happiness?
Are you caught up in a cycle of vengeful resentment towards those who have harmed you and those you assume to have intentions to harm you?
Are you fearful of change?
Do you want to live a life of joy and purpose?
Do you want to be more than just “ok”?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’re in the right place, right now.
Before we go further know this: You are worthy. You are a beautiful soul with many gifts to share with the world. Your potential for joy in this life is immense and will be found when you simply believe. The first step is to choose to believe. You have the ability to choose. You have the ability to make positive changes. You can choose to release the pain in your heart no matter how deep. You will find purpose, strength and confidence as you move through these chapters. It is inevitable that as you read this book, you will identify with many, if not all, the topics. If you are hurt and traumatized by other people in this world, you will grow and learn how to move out of that negative space of anger. It takes time and you will learn how to give yourself permission to evolve and let go. Seems impossible? It’s not.
How to use this book to your advantage.
I don’t know about you, but I know that I can be easily overwhelmed or even disinterested in poring over a self-help book that drones on and on. This is not that book. I have segmented these chapters into digestible topics that you can pick and choose and read depending upon your mood and need. It is kind of like looking up a topic in a dictionary or encyclopedia. You want some perspective on Clarity? Head on over to that chapter. Need a pick me up regarding Worthiness? There’s a chapter you can read on your lunch break. You can read it front to back as well. There are no rules in how you read this book. My intention is that you make it yours and use it for what you need when you need it. Flip through the chapters and find the message you need.
I have spent many years attempting to create this narrative and get it out of my head and onto paper. One reason behind my hesitation in doing so is I didn’t feel equipped to share my narrative because I always felt so damaged and unqualified myself. It’s funny to me now, knowing that my experiences have given me the very understanding that is necessary to embark upon this journey. We all deal with insecurities and those voices in our heads telling us that we are not enough. I am breaking through those notions and am putting pen to paper to share with you my revelations both from my professional clinical experience as well as my
own personal journey. This life is not meant to be suffered. It is meant to be experienced with life affirming joy. Being ok is not ok. Ok is not enough. Every person holds a responsibility to themselves to be a good person and to do good things. We cannot be good for others and do good for others if we do not ensure that we are doing good for ourselves. We must enforce healthy boundaries and refuse to accept anything less than what we deserve. We are responsible both to ourselves and to everyone that we encounter in this life. Pain is unfortunate, but necessary in this journey. As Buddha says ‘Pain is inevitable. Suffering is not.”
Did you know that you can use your trauma to your advantage? When we recategorize our trauma as necessary, we can use the experience as fuel for our spiritual growth. Trauma is fertilizer, like manure. We can use it to capitalize and reach our highest potential. A soul cannot help another injured soul until they too have bled a little. Empathy is a learned emotion. If we do not suffer, we do not appreciate and understand the suffering in others. Your trauma can be a powerful tool to be repurposed for your greater good and the greater good of others.
I welcome this journey with you. With open arms and grateful acceptance, I openly share with you that I accept the fact that there will always be a part of me that will have scars. However, as I have developed a strength that has come from all these experiences, I want you to know that I’m going to share this with you because I believe that you are deserving and worthy just as much as I am.
While this is not necessarily an autobiography, there are many stories I will share in the following chapters to further illustrate my points and to express my deeply held feelings about what we do to ourselves and how we allow ourselves to be treated that is detrimental to our overall wellness and our pursuit of joy. It goes without saying that I am a student of life and, as to be expected, I have made many mistakes that I have learned from. My intention is to share what I have learned and give you the necessary validation and “sideline cheerleading” to help you grow, learn, heal, and thrive. Through my work as a psychotherapist I have noticed a pattern of issues that tend to arise when I am in session with my clients. These recurring themes are the foundation of this writing. Noticing patterns in human behaviors is also a recurring theme for me that has driven me to this composition. When there are patterns there is commonality. Ironically, a common pattern I have observed with my clients is the feeling of isolation, loneliness, and lack of self-worth and value. These are fear-based emotions and thought processes that could not be further from the truth, and in this book, I am going to show you why.
I deserve to be inspired and I also am responsible for being an inspiration to others. My hope for you is that once you read this book, either in its entirety or in bits and pieces, that it helps you move through a particular struggle or gives you the motivation to initiate real change as a means to better your life.
I didn’t decide to become a social worker until my late 30s. It’s an interesting take because the main reason that I became passionate about people and helping others was due in part to my experiences working for the TSA for several years shortly after 9/11. I was hired as a checkpoint supervisor, so that meant most of my day was spent observing and staying out of the way of my screening staff so that they could do their job without my interference unless they requested it. Occasionally, I would need to intervene with a rowdy passenger or decide on whether an item could be considered a threat to passengers in flight. It was an interesting job to say the least. I met so many interesting people, both in the staff that I worked with, as well as the countless people that I crossed paths with during my tenure.
Unless you have the time and resources available to travel the world, the next best possible place to meet people from every walk of life is in an international airport. There is an endless stream of diversity for you to observe. I noticed, albeit unintentionally, the subtle similarities of people. Often, I would observe the predictable nuances of human behavior regardless of age, gender, ethnicity or country of origin. Oftentimes, we assume that we are all so different. Perhaps that is true if you consider physical attributes such as race, gender, body type, and so on, but when you have the unique opportunity to observe behavior on a grand scale (such as a check point supervisor who is observing travelers day in and day out) you will begin to notice that, as human beings, we are all more similar than different. A simple demonstration of this would be to point out that we are all in need of toiletries and clothing and the necessary luggage used to contain all these necessities to make traveling easier. This is a simple observation. Granted many of those items are different sizes, colors, and quality, but as human beings we all have an inherent need for the same things. That observation grew into me noticing that at certain times of the day those individuals who did not take the time to show up early enough to get to the checkpoint would almost always behave in a way that projected their irritation onto the screening staff. Why was this? It was as predictable as the sunrise and sunset. From this experience, I grew increasingly interested in learning more about the effect of environmental influences on human behavior. The similarities in behavior led me to believe that we are so much more alike than we realize. I began to theorize that if we are that much alike, then whatever distress we experience must be far more common than we assume and therefore are more likely to be self-destructive and isolating simply because we feel so alone in our experiences. In other words, when I first began my job with the TSA, I was under the assumption that we are all very different and unique. However, during my time there my attitude shifted as I observed all these commonalities. So, if we are legitimately more alike than different, then would it not be a logical assertion that we are not as isolated and alone as we think we are? Bear in mind, these were just assumptions that I made as a lay person working a security job. I had not yet embarked upon my journey into clinical social work.
I was in my early thirties at this point in my life and had a young son to raise. I was working full time and finishing my bachelor’s degree in criminal justice. I assumed that I would take that degree and pursue a different element of transportation security at some point in my life, not because it was a passion, but because it was my trajectory. I had spent five and a half years in the Air Force as a security police officer several years prior to me working at TSA and so it did not make sense to me to change career paths, at least not from a personal financial perspective. I felt incredibly grateful for the opportunity to become a supervisor with the TSA even though I had yet to complete my undergrad degree. Naturally, my expectations for the future were to continue pursuing new endeavors in a career that was centered around security and law enforcement. I had no idea that it would take me on such a remarkable journey of exploring and understanding human behaviors and helping and motivating others to live their best possible lives.
Many years later I was able to complete my masters level education as a clinical social worker and I have, quite honestly, loved it ever since. It is with this evolution that I want to share with you my observations and my own understanding of the basic reasons why people behave the way they do. I hope this book provides you with the insight and answers that you didn’t know you were looking for. I hope in reading this book you can identify how your own patterns of behaviors have developed through your experiences, both positive and negative.
As I share pieces of both my intimate journey to wellness along with my professional insights, it is my hope that you find it encouraging, inspiring, funny, insightful, and validating. I hope that you take away the messages and lessons from this book that serve you. I encourage you to take time to conduct your own personal inventory and identify your beliefs and values. Consider what I have to say and take the time to decide whether or not you agree. Do your own bit of investigation on who you are and what you think and feel. That’s the purpose and intent of this book, after all. In these pages I will share with you my authentic belief about my own values as well as my own experiences. I hope that you will take
them at face value and apply them to your own experiences with a little bit more understanding and a little bit more willingness to seek your own truth and your own joy in this life. I hope that you find clarity and I hope that you find a stillness in your heart regardless if your own pain is still there. I wish you resolution and recovery. I am grateful for you, the reader, for taking the time out of your life to digest these stories and lessons. I hope you enjoy them half as much as I have enjoyed sharing them with you.
Chapter One
Fear and Love
There are two basic emotions in the human experience; fear and love. All our emotional responses are secondary to either a fear response or a love response. You read that right. Every emotional response you have to a stimulus or trigger is rooted either in fear or in love. When we look back on our earliest experiences in life, we can decide on whether we were groomed to feel fear or to feel love at any given point in time. It is an element of survival to feel fear and as a result for us to react accordingly. When we are very young and are given all the necessary support and encouragement, then we feel love and we react to that as well. If a child feels loved, then they feel safe. When a child feels safe, they do not process fear as a primary response.
Picture this: It is as though we are sitting in front of a television that only has two channels. One channel is fear and the other is love. What we don’t realize is that we have a choice and that we can flip the channel. This book will guide you on how to be aware of your choices in this life and how to cultivate joy based on an understanding of who you are and what you want versus what you have been groomed to believe about yourself. Sometimes we can change the channel and not even know that we are doing so. Sometimes we vegetate on the same channel without any awareness of what we are consuming nor any understanding that we have a choice and an ability to change the channel to something else, something better.