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  Not only do you HAVE purpose, but you ARE purpose.

  All living creatures are responsible for coming to this existence and coming to this place we call life in the best version of themselves. When you mess up, you must give yourself grace and understand why you did what you did and clean up the mess with kindness and love for yourself. If you walk into the kitchen and you drop a glass of water onto the floor, you can stand there and tell everyone, “Hey, look at me. I’m a piece of crap because I broke the glass!” All while walking away from the mess and feeling broken and worthless because you broke the glass. Or you can look at the glass and look at everyone around you and tell them, “I broke this glass. I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. Can someone show me where the broom and dustpan and the towels are so that I can clean this up?” Simply put, the glass is not going to clean itself up. Beating yourself up and walking away from a mess that you created is not helpful. You’re not a bad person if you broke the glass but if you consistently come into the kitchen and break glasses and then admit that you broke the glass, all while being self-deprecating, that’s not helpful either, is it?

  Why did you break the glass? Were you being careless? Did you see the glass on the side of the counter as you walked into the kitchen and deliberately knock it off the countertop? If you meant to knock the glass over, then accepting accountability for something you did on purpose has a different meaning. You must now understand why you broke the glass on purpose. Were you trying to get attention? Did you want the people in the kitchen to feel bad for you? The questions we can answer for ourselves are endless regarding identifying the reasons we make mistakes or engage in various types of dysfunctional behaviors. True clarity comes from not only acknowledging the error but making amends and that means cleaning the mess.

  What messes have you made? What do you need to clean up?

  Chapter Seven

  Fear

  Fear is not a bad thing, per se. If you are fearful, then you tend to avoid dangerous situations, in theory. Fear keeps you away from the edge, from leaning too close to the void of the unknown. Fear keeps you encapsulated, like a burrito, wrapped up in the façade of safety. Perhaps, it’s not necessarily a façade, but it is the reality of safety. So, while you are safe, nestled within a particular circumstance, an OK job, a lukewarm yet unsatisfying and unfulfilling relationship, consistently engaging with individuals in your family and friendship and professional circles with whom you have no passion and no legitimate and genuine connection to, out of fear, then you are missing out on your full and whole potential.

  Fear of failure.

  What does the voice in the back of your head say to you in the early light of day, or perhaps during a quick lull in your workday, about what you really want out of life?

  Does fear jump in and mitigate and squash those thoughts and feelings?

  Late at night, when the voices in your head hold space and compete for your attention, which ones come out on top?

  Are there voices that tell you to stay where you are and to not take chances?

  Perhaps, occasionally, you hear a different voice. This is the voice that sometimes challenges you to rise above mediocrity. This voice gains your attention, if only for a moment, and causes your heart to beat a little faster because of it. For a fleeting moment, you get a little excited about what might be and what could be. Perhaps you feel the wholeness of your potential and you are awash in inspiration and gratitude for what you have and what you can have. What happens in these moments? Does fear run in and shut this moment down?

  Maybe you used to have them, but you don’t anymore.

  Why is this?

  What’s the purpose in reading this book at all?

  What are you looking for?

  Rational versus irrational fears

  Taking inventory of your environment, whatever that may look like, is always going to be something different for everyone. It is a logical assessment to be mindful of what choices you should make regarding a healthy and fruitful outcome of your day. For instance, if you live or work in a neighborhood with questionable security issues, then, obviously, you would take measures to ensure you protect yourself and your family. This is common logic and is something that is done to stay safe. This is logical fear. If you know you’re at risk, then you take necessary measures to mitigate that risk. The same could be said for visiting a new area, which might not necessarily be unsafe, but if you’re unfamiliar with certain territory, then you would want to take precautions to protect yourself. The same can go for embarking upon any new venture within your life whether that be a personal relationship, a new job, purchasing a new home, or any other major life event where the outcome is largely unpredictable. But you wouldn’t, in theory, engage in any of these activities without conducting a reasonable risk assessment, right? This is where we get into the weeds when discussing fear and choices. Often, we make choices because the fear we have in our current circumstances causes us to move into directions we have not fully investigated. This is when fear repeats a cycle in our lives. When we don’t take the time to be present and mindful and conscious in the decisions we make in our lives, fear will always dominate.

  Shelly (not her real name) came home from a work trip to an empty house and a note. Her husband had left. She knew something was up when he quit replying to her text messages two days ago. If she were being truly honest with herself, she knew long before that there were problems in their marriage. Shelly met Brian three years earlier on a different work trip when they were both staying at the same hotel. Brian was there on a work conference from a town near where Shelly lived. They had a conversation at the bar that serviced both of their respective work functions and decided to have dinner the next evening. At the time, Shelly had just broken up with her previous boyfriend when she’d discovered he’d been unfaithful. In Shelly’s mind, meeting Brian was the best thing that could have happened to her. They had dinner and agreed to meet again for another date at mini golf when they both traveled back to their home state. Because they met at a bar five states away and because they lived so close to each other, Shelly attributed this as fate. She and Brian dated for six months before they moved in together. Six months later, they were married in an impromptu ceremony in Las Vegas. Shelly said that she’d always wanted a beautiful wedding, but she let that dream go when Brian stated that he would be willing to marry her if they didn’t have a big wedding. Shelly willingly agreed. “It was just a waste of money to feed people that we never see anyway,” she justified. So, they drove to Las Vegas and were married in a quickie ceremony followed by a steak dinner and a burlesque review show. Again, not exactly how Shelly had envisioned her honeymoon, but she loved Brian and he was sweet. Over the next two years Shelly received two promotions at work and, as a result, was required to travel more frequently on business. Brian appeared to understand this, and he enjoyed the extra money that Shelly was bringing home. On one occasion, she returned a day early to find a brand-new set of golf clubs in the living room. She knew Brian did not have the money to purchase the clubs, so she checked their joint savings account. “$1500 for golf clubs?” It was unbelievable. They had never had a fight and Shelly was angry, but at the same time, fearful. She was afraid if she argued with Brian about the golf clubs, that he would leave. After all, her parents used to argue all the time and it made her physically ill to hear people argue. She’d always swore she’d never be in a relationship where there was fighting. So, Shelly moved the clubs into the spare bedroom out of the way of foot traffic and never mentioned them or the missing money to Brian. Flash forward to now, Shelly read the note from Brian and grew increasingly afraid. Maybe if she could talk to him, she could convince him to try again. Maybe they could go to therapy? She looked around the house. All her things were still there and, even many of Brian’s things, he’d also left. She looked for the golf clubs, but those were gone. “Wow. That’s all I’m worth to him. $1500 worth of sporting equipm
ent.” Shelly began to cry. She didn’t know what to do. She texted her girlfriend to come over. They sat down, drank a bottle of wine, and her friend proceeded to unload all her opinions about Brian. This made Shelly feel worse and she went to the bathroom to throw up. “What am I going to do?” she sobbed. “I can’t be alone.” Shelly’s friend held her until she fell asleep on the sofa, then let herself out and closed the door.

  What do you think Shelly is afraid of?

  How does fear manifest in Shelly’s decision-making ability to do what is in her long-term best interest?

  Do you relate to Shelly or do you know someone who reminds you of Shelly?

  We become prisoners to our own circumstances because of our feelings of powerlessness when it comes to fear. What is fear anyway? What is the purpose of being fearful? From an evolutionary perspective, one could argue that fear has the purpose of preventing injury or death to oneself by creating a sense of hyper awareness to one’s own circumstances. So, understanding the purpose behind being afraid to begin with can help with navigating the confusion that is caused when we are not present and conscious in making decisions. This is why presence of mind, mindfulness, being grounded, and taking the time to be conscious about our choices of what we think and feel, is critical to our own pursuit of success and joy and actualization.

  Without this, fear will always dominate the landscape of our thoughts and feelings.

  When we are mindful and our thoughts are clear, we are less likely to make decisions from a fear-based mindset.

  Take a moment and consider what you are fearful of. When you do this, be mindful of the circumstances of your life which you have no control over. Are you fearful of losing a loved one? Do you have a loved one that is suffering from an illness and you are fearful of what the future holds for them? Are you fearful of flying? Perhaps you have left an unfulfilling relationship and due to that experience, you are fearful of ever considering connecting with another person again. Assessing one’s own fear is the first step to assessing future choices. While there is very little that you can do to change the outcome of a dire medical diagnosis of a love one, you can most certainly change the way you engage with that person in the present. If you are fearful of a future relationship’s potential, then perhaps you take time to fully conduct the forensics of your past relationships and define key points where you were not fully aware or conscious in your decision making. Perhaps you gave an unworthy person time they did not deserve. Perhaps you made choices in your previous relationship that eroded your sense of self. Fear can be tricky because, without the investigation of our past thinking errors, we are most likely to make those same choices again. This knowledge in and of itself is fertile ground for fear in our minds and hearts to grow.

  Knowledge and understanding are the equivalent of a fire extinguisher to a fire when battling fear. Unhealthy fear-based thinking is rooted in ignorance. It is not an assessment of character to be fearful but is only a lack of information.

  If you want to achieve a goal but you’re afraid to try, why is that?

  Are you fearful of failing?

  What happens if you try and you fail?

  What does it mean to fail?

  Do you have a belief about yourself that you are unwilling, unable, lazy, undeserving etc. to achieve your goals?

  Are there people in your life who will criticize your attempt to succeed?

  Are there individuals you know who will critique your attempts to achieve something better? Are you surrounded by individuals who are toxic and who want you to remain in the status quo with them?

  Would they see you as betraying them when you attempt to achieve your goals?

  Are you self-deprecating?

  Do you look in the mirror and see failure?

  External validation is a wonderful and beautiful and deeply gratifying experience. It feels good when other people cheer us on. However, we cannot exist and succeed and thrive on external validation alone. Value and validation and worthiness come from the unquestionable understanding that we are all interconnected within the universe. We are all equal and therefore, by default, we are all worthy of succeeding and achieving our goals, whatever those goals may look like. When we fully grasp this concept, our entire cognitive structure and beliefs about ourselves in the world that we live in evolves in such a magnificent way that we are able to look back at any of the naysayers in our environment with empathy and compassion and understand their need to criticize and discourage us is only a byproduct of their own fear, not yours.

  Do you look in the mirror and know that you have caused harm to others and, because of this, you do not deserve to achieve your goals? (See the chapter on accountability and how these two dynamics of fear and accountability interplay with each other.)

  Are you fearful of the amount of investment and energy you would have to expend in order to achieve your goal?

  Do you feel maybe you’re not up to the task?

  Why do you have the goal to begin with?

  What would change in your life if you achieved your goals?

  The changes you seek to make are your own. Only you can decide whether they are justified, logical, purposeful and worthy. Only you can determine the roadblocks in your mind and heart in achieving your goals. Even when we conduct a thorough assessment of what our goals look like and how they will affect our current situation and relationships, there will always be distractions and uncomfortable revelations about the true motivations of those individuals in our lives. Of course, we must consider our choices and how they affect our loved ones and our professional and social relationships but, again, you were the only one that can assess the worthiness of your choices and your goals.

  So, what are you afraid of? What do you want to change? What do you want to start or stop doing in your life? What do you want to feel when you look in the mirror?

  Remember this: You are your biggest hero and you also are your biggest obstacle in achieving success.

  Chapter Eight

  Worthiness

  Can you think back to your very early childhood and recall your well-being and sense of self? Understandably, most people can’t or, for whatever reason, are unwilling to do this. But the ultimate question is to determine at what point in your life did you make a self-assessment of what your value and worth really is as a person. What influences in your life cause you to feel how you feel about yourself today? If you are to really be genuine and authentic with yourself, without reservation, what would you say about yourself? What defining adjectives would you purposefully use to describe the person that you are? One common factor that runs rampant within clinical circles is a sense of low self-worth. If you are one of these individuals who feels a very low sense of self-worth, I’m here to tell you that is complete and total garbage. Now, we are talking about behaviors. Your behavior is something that you are responsible for. If you have done things that harm yourself and or other people, then I will refer you back to the accountability chapter. Even so, if you are guilty of perpetuating harmful behaviors, whether to yourself or other people, I am telling you, that if you feel badly about yourself, then that is a thinking error. If you place your hand on your chest and ever so carefully pay attention to the rise and fall of your breathing in the regular thump-thump sensation, then you, my friend, have value and purpose.

  Oh yes, there’s always going to be one or two people who will dismiss this for a variety of reasons. As a young social worker, I facilitated a support group for adult women survivors of childhood sexual trauma. Now, before you bristle at the potential of being triggered by a graphic detail, I am here to reassure you that I do not intend to go into the graphic details. However, there may be some troubling dynamics, so please read on in a mindful state and take a break if necessary. These women were incredible in their resiliency and their humor and intellect and their passion. One of these ladies detailed her history of abuse within their family churc
h. Apparently, from a very young age, her parents believed that in order to become closer to God, that they should allow their children to be used as an offering to the elders of the church for sexual gratification. Her interpretation of her own sexuality manifested as being the marker of her value as an individual. One of the issues she was working through in therapy was to be able to isolate a sense of wellness within herself that was not attached to her body. She did not hate herself. She simply did not feel entitled to a sense of well-being beyond being a sexual object for the gratification of others.

  Years later, I had another client who disclosed to me she had been conceived in rape and was put up for adoption as an infant. Her adoptive parents were manipulative and emotionally abusive towards her through their indication that if she did not completely adhere to the doctrine and live her life with fervent adherence to the gospel within their church, she would most definitely spend all eternity in the fires of hell due to the nature of her conception.

  Her distress brought her to attempting suicide on several occasions.

  I want you to know something. It is entirely up to you whether you believe what I have to say in this book. I can only share my interpretations of the world as I see it, both as an individual and as a therapist. What I do know, is that I have seen more trauma caused by organized religious zealots than I have witnessed my clients benefiting in a positive way. I say organized religious zealots because there are many faith and spiritual paths that work towards the betterment of the individual, as opposed to utilizing doctrine as a measure of control over large swaths of people. In other words, church and a spiritual community is healthy and helpful if it is used to educate, teach, and grow a community towards a healthy and encouraging spiritual path. Groups of people who use organized faith and texts to marginalize and control and indoctrinate various groups of people are not healthy and lead to cognitive dissonance and a host of mental issues.