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  Today, thinking back on that event, I am not ashamed about my behavior. While my thinking was not correct, I must give myself space and understanding as to why I reacted the way that I did. I didn’t know that woman. I did know that I was uncomfortable in an unfamiliar gym around people I did not know. I was full of anxiety from walking around the gym trying to navigate where the weight room was versus the Nautilus versus the cardio, etc. I know my personality enough to know that, given enough time, I will find exactly what I need to find. However, being a woman on a military installation, it is virtually guaranteed that if you walk around the gym looking for a workout area, you will almost always be approached by someone with good intentions attempting to help you navigate. It does not bother me to do reconnaissance. While we were staying in this area of the base for another week or two, I needed to be familiar with the gym anyway, so I gave myself a tour, all the while expecting some young pumped up servicemember to approach me and try to make themselves feel better about helping the older lady find what she’s looking for. It has always been about my trepidation with my own anger and my fear of behaving inappropriately, that would backfire on my husband. (For those of you unfamiliar with this concept, in the military, all servicemembers are held equally responsible for the behavior of their dependents. If I were to throw a fit in the gym, I would have been removed and my husband would have been punished for my behavior.) I look back upon that day and realize, by the time I had located my equipment, I had already formulated my opinion about everyone in the gym. This was even though no one had attempted to instruct me on where the “little ladies go” to do their “little lady work outs”. This is all subconscious and was not something I was consciously considering. In fact, it was such a norm for me to be at such a heightened space of anxiety, it would’ve never occurred to me to take a breath and consciously lower into a calmer headspace. I was merely in survival mode. I was very aware I was in a foreign environment around people that were not of my “clan”. My caveman responses were extremely triggered. I was navigating unknown territory and needed to be especially defensive. In my case, being defensive means to be offensive. The poor lady who parked her carcass next to me in the gym that day was probably scared too, now that I think about it. She might’ve felt more comfortable being next to another woman as opposed to the other beef heads running around. She was older and she was by herself. From a physical agility standpoint, she offered absolutely no threat whatsoever. It would be easy for me, at this point, to be judgmental of myself when looking back on my behavior, but the lesson here is to refrain from using blame in reviewing our previous behaviors. We look back, assess, learn, and move on with possession of self and an understanding about how to do better in the future. We do this with kind understanding and a conscious avoidance of deprecation of self. I am a good person now. I was a good person then. I just responded to this situation based upon what I knew to be a good response at the time. I would not respond that way today. I would not post pictures to social media, as that is not a love-based thought process. Changing the channel from fear-based thinking (posting a picture to social media for others to judge) to love-based thinking (mindful awareness of self with deliberate empathy for others) is a lifelong process and one that I continue to this day.

  Understanding judgment includes understanding the judgment of self as well. We can only do as well as our logic, our experience, and wisdom from our own growth will take us. I was doing the best that I could at that point in my life. I am very happy and grateful that I’m doing better now, but there’s absolutely no benefit whatsoever in looking back and judging myself. In fact, thinking back on that situation provides me with a narrative to openly share my own experiences with judgment, both from a fear of judgment as well as an expression of judgment of others.

  I must admit, I do catch myself judging others. I’m a human being and there will be people around me that I interact with who are nefarious with their intent. Engaging in fear-based thinking is different from feeling actual fear. There will always be people who will engage in a manner inconsistent with my idea of what is appropriate. There will always be people who violate boundaries. There will always be people who will behave and engage in a way that completely messes with my head (I’m talking about people who park their grocery cart in the middle of the aisle while looking at canned corn on the shelf in the grocery store.) I think the biggest part of my growth regarding judgment is the balance of understanding what is real and what is inferred. There is a difference between a person who is behaving rudely versus someone who is following you through the store. Now when I’m in the grocery store, for example, I make a conscious attempt to put my cart as close to the shelf as possible, to ensure I am occupying as small as possible footprint out of respect for other people. I also try to navigate in a way that allows other people time to get out of the way without my intentionally seeking to make them feel shame. The problem with this is that I expect the same and that doesn’t always happen.

  Do you ever feel frustration when other people behave in a manner that is inconsistent with your values? It’s frustrating of course, but when we come from a love-based mindset, we aren’t as apt to judge. It’s the fear-based thinking that takes these events to the next level in our brain. We feel personally affronted as though they are leaving their cart in the middle of the aisle intentionally to cause us distress. Conversely, I can be in the healthiest head space, feeling love and appreciation for my fellow man and still feel fearful when someone is threatening me. It is important to be aware of the difference between the two mindsets.

  I’m not trying to say that gymnasiums and grocery stores are inherently flawed places, but let’s just say it’s a growth opportunity for me to take the initiative and measures of prevention of anxiety prior to entering these types of establishments, (or any forum where my social anxiety will be potentially triggered.) As a person who has battled social anxiety, I am certain I am not alone in feeling hesitation in visiting these environments. I understand I’m going to be emotionally charged in these situations, therefore, I hold an obligation to myself in taking measures to prevent these triggers from affecting me at least as much as I possibly can. What that means for me personally is I meditate prior to engaging, as well as wearing headphones and sunglasses if appropriate. I don’t know about you, but I have absolutely no problem with wearing sunglasses in the grocery store. Having lack of eye contact is tremendous in preventing anxiety, at least for me. I can see you, but you can’t really see me, and I feel better just talking about it. Bear in mind, this is all about my own expectations of being triggered by the social behaviors of other people and my inherent reaction to judgment. It is still a process for me and one that I take very seriously before entering any social situation.

  So, what are your judgments? More importantly what are your judgments about yourself? The key to finding peace and a sense of calm in your heart and your spirit is understanding what the trouble is to begin with. Much of our anxiety is based upon our previous experiences and it becomes a belief about what will potentially happen in the future. As a result, we are mostly judgmental of ourselves first and, therefore, from that position become judgmental of other people. So again, when you look at yourself, what do you see?

  When you look inside your heart, what do you see?

  Do you see a good person?

  Do you see a harmful person?

  Do you see a good person that maybe does some harmful behaviors from time to time?

  We can dig a little deeper and even go so far as to say, “Do I deserve to feel better about myself?” If you believe that you deserve better, then I applaud you because you are ahead of the curve already. However, if you’re reading this right now and you feel isolated and alone and unique in your invalidity, then I can most definitely tell you that this is targeted to you. I firmly believe that no matter who you are, what you are guilty of, how much pain you’ve caused other people, or what type of insult, tragedy, or traum
a you experienced in your life, there is recovery and a sense of newness for you. You do not have to be judged by yourself or others in order to isolate some sensibility of worthiness. You’re already worthy. It’s not an easy path but it is a worthwhile one. You only must believe that you deserve better and that you’re willing to do the hard work to make positive changes, including taking ownership of your mistakes.

  A big part of this recovery process in isolating your own internalized judgment is to figure out what you’re judging yourself for. Is it a learned behavior? Did you grow up watching a loved one behave in the same manner? Much like how children learn to speak a language, we also learn behaviors. Just like learning a new language, you can also learn new ways of thinking and behaving. Are your learned behaviors something that you should address as a measure of your own healing?

  If you’ve made mistakes no matter how big and how huge and how large those mistakes are you can recover. (This is the part where clients will ask about people on death row and those who have been guilty of the most egregious offenses you can imagine.)

  The truth with people who have committed the most heinous offenses you can imagine, is they are just as capable as anyone else of taking accountability and ownership of their behaviors. I will say many of the people who commit terrible crimes also have preexisting mental health conditions that remove them from a sense of reality and, as such, remove any willful capability or intent to take responsibility for their actions. Often, they have no conscious ability or intent to recover. This is a generalization, however. Barring those individuals, if a person has committed an offense they want to accept responsibility for, then yes, they can. It’s important to understand that for a person who has committed a murder, for instance, taking accountability doesn’t make the offense go away. Nor does it remove the pain that offense caused to the loved ones of the victim. We are talking about personal growth and healing. There can be little done to ease the suffering of a crime such as this and I want to be clear the intent of this practice is to understand that. On the outset, virtually nothing will change except for how the offender feels about him or herself. Hopefully, if you’re reading this, you’re able to see with some perspective that accountability and ownership begins with yourself and doesn’t involve self-shaming or judgmental behaviors.

  Isolating your judgment of self is key to understanding why you made those mistakes to begin with. You may think what you’ve done in the past is so profound and so harmful and so hurtful that you cannot work past it. I have worked with people who have committed the most heinous and egregious acts and I can tell you that when you take authentic ownership of the harm you have inflicted and accept accountability for your errors, your mistakes, and the inflicted trauma upon other people, that is when you start to let go and that is when you start to grow. It goes without saying this is the hardest part of self-discovery and one of which many people simply cannot overcome. For some, it’s too heavy to allow the responsibility to ignite the shame within. Instead, they opt to deny any culpability in offenses they have committed and choose, instead, to delude themselves into an alternate state of reality. Sometimes the alternate state is more comfortable than allowing themselves to see reality for what it truly is and, as such, being present in their own accountability. People who have harmed others or who have allowed harm to come to others may not believe they are worthy of being whole and living a life of happiness and fulfilment. That is where being non-judgmental is critical to recovery.

  Additionally, moving through this process incorporates an understanding that, while you may be able to attain a feeling of wellness, those whom you have harmed in the past may continue to project the pain they feel as a result of your actions. There’s nothing you can do about this except to understand it for what it is and respect the outcome without allowing it to degrade your healing. You cannot always affect change in the hearts of others. However, when you accept accountability and take ownership often it results in a diffusion of these projections from those you’ve harmed. Likewise, if you’re projecting your pain upon others for their transgressions, it’s often the result of their unwillingness to hold space for their responsibility to you. As you read through these chapters you will start to better understand the dynamics that created your mindset. From this you will begin to understand how to disentangle yourself from fear-based thinking.

  It is critical to understand that in doing this work, you do so for your own growth and healing. The purpose of embarking on this wellness journey has nothing to do with how other people view you, particularly when those are people that you’ve harmed in the past. Being accountable to your mistakes, offenses, and even crimes does not guarantee forgiveness from others. In fact, you should move forward in healing fully expecting those who harbor hostility and resentment towards you for your actions to continue doing so.

  Take accountability anyway. (See chapter on Accountability)

  The first step, however, is getting to the point where you believe you deserve to grow. People who have made many mistakes in life, that have hurt other people, may have internalized their own accountability and as a result, marked it with shame and a belief they do not deserve good things.

  A few years, back I had a client named Paul (not his real name of course) who was 10 years sober and wanted to speak with me about his relationships with his adult children. Paul was fit, well-groomed, and articulate. He did not present as the kind of person you’d assume had been a lifelong alcoholic. (What do alcoholics look like anyway?) Paul had tried many times to connect with his adult twin daughters, but was rebuffed, though ‘in a kind way’ he reassured me. I knew that this troubled Paul and I asked him to tell me more about their relationship. He explained to me that, after high school, they both went to college, “which I paid for,” he quipped. The girls never wanted to come home and spend time with Paul and his new girlfriend, now wife, at the time. He expressed to me that he’d done “everything he was supposed to do” to “make it up to the girls” for everything that happened when they were little. We talked about Paul’s history with alcohol and, while he readily admits to what he can remember, he expressed shame about the things that happened when he blacked out. I asked Paul, “What is it that you want in regard to having a relationship with your daughters?” “I just want to be there for them,” Paul replied. “So, what’s stopping you from being there for them, then?” Paul gazed out the window with tear filled eyes and said, “I guess I just want them to forgive me.” “What makes you think they haven’t?” “I don’t know. But neither one wants me at the house, and they won’t let me see my grandkids without them or their husbands’ present. I’d like to spend time with my grandkids without having to be supervised. I feel like they are punishing me” “Do you think that you’ve earned that, Paul?” He looked at me with a surprised expression. “I’m sober. I’ve been sober for years. None of that stuff is going to happen again.” “That’s not what I asked, Paul.” In a slightly offended tone, he responded “What are you talking about?” “I mean do you think that just because you’re sober now, your daughters have forgotten how you behaved when they were little? Do you think they are trying to judge you and punish you for the past by keeping your grandkids away from you or do you think they are being good parents by making sure their children are safe? Don’t you think your daughters have a right to feel the way they do in maintaining safety with their children around you? Paul, you admitted it yourself, you were very violent when you would drink, and you even went to jail for domestic violence toward your ex-wife. Don’t you think your daughters are simply being good mothers?” Paul fidgeted in his seat for a minute. “You’re absolutely right. I’m a complete sack of shit.” “Paul, I didn’t say that, and you know it. I take offense to your posture towards me right now. It’s inappropriate. Don’t put words into my mouth. Just answer the question.” “I’m so sorry. That was wrong of me. I apologize. It’s just I’m so hurt, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being
punished for something that I cannot make right.”