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Communication with my mother always felt like when you’re standing next to a fan that is on high and you take your finger and slip it through the metal slats and dare yourself to allow the blades to make contact. You never know if it’s going to hurt or if it’s just going to surprise you a bit.
When my father died, I cried. It took a couple days after I received the news, but I did take time to invest in allowing my feelings to manifest in an authentic way. At first the tears came and then, I felt angry. The anger was different this time though. The anger I had was more about my disappointment with my father and him not trying harder. As a mother, I would do anything for my children. My children have enraged me at times, but my love for them transcends all boundaries. My children mean more to me than anyone or anything. My anger towards my father dissipated and transitioned into pity. The love I have for my children is something that has saved my life on many occasions. In the depths of despair, the only light at the end of the tunnel was the love of my children and their love for me. So, when my father died, I didn’t understand how he could not try harder.
He wasn’t a bad person. He had darkness in him. Human beings need connection like we need oxygen. My father never had that. My mother was the closest thing he had to unconditional love in his life and even that wasn’t enough. If you never saw the color green, no one would be able to describe it to you. My father never knew love as a child and, therefore, was simply incapable of demonstrating it to his children.
The truth is I never loved him. I never loved him because he never loved me and instead, demonstrated tyranny and oppression. We were simply in the same home and in each other’s way. My purpose was to keep my mouth shut and wash dishes. My sisters were responsible for chores, too, but there was a fixation directed towards me by my father. Unlike my siblings, I was unwilling to bow down in complete, willful, servitude. I did my chores, but I did not worship my father the way that he wanted me to. He would always find fault in something I did or didn’t do to his standard and he would compare me negatively to my sisters. Even when the beatings came, my sisters would scream in agony, but I refused. Even as a child, I realized my father’s darkness needed our agony as a feeling of control and power. He was a powerless man who derived a sense of power and pleasure in subjecting his daughters to his ritualistic abuse. The darkness and brokenness in his heart fed upon our pain. I learned this early on and, even though he continued to heap more abuse upon me than my sisters, I refused to cry. I knew our verbal screams of pain were what he was beating us for, and I refused, despite the inequity in how he forced his hand more heavily upon me. My sisters would cry and scream and beg for mercy. I did not. I learned to grit through the beatings. He even mentioned it years later, as though it were something humorous, how I refused to cry. There were times I absolutely hated him. I know that. We had calm times. We laughed. Beach vacations were always the best because my father would always be on his best behavior and I could rely on the fact that he typically would leave us alone.
I forgave my father for his abuse and neglect. While it took much more personal trauma work in therapy, I have forgiven my mother for her apathy, delusions, and her willful neglect in refusing to leave my father.
One of my own personal triumphs through my clinical work is gaining the logical understanding of why abuse happens. Now that I have this logical understanding, I can assess my trauma in a different light. I am now more equipped with healthy tools to better identify my own triggers and behaviors related to my trauma. For that alone, I am grateful.
After my father died, one of the outcomes was the realization that while I never loved him, I didn’t hate him anymore and I am content with that. I am at peace.
For so many years the anger and hatred and the feelings of inadequacy that I carried around with me and in my heart, were like a physical weight I was unwilling to put down. It affected every aspect of my life. It prevented me from having the ability to be vulnerable and intimate relationships. I didn’t know any better and would not know any better for many years to come, until I met a wonderful therapist who helped me to articulate my feelings in a way that unburdened my emotional connection.
Forgiveness is not for the person who has harmed you.
Forgiveness is for you.
Forgiving yourself is even harder. But, it can be achieved once you have done the work and taken ownership of your actions. It is a willful acceptance of accountability in tandem with a promise to yourself to let it go.
No one is perfect. Sometimes people get caught up in behaviors that are cyclical in their toxicity. Sometimes people feel like they must delude themselves in order to just live. It can be seemingly impossible to make necessary changes. I am living proof that it is possible.
It is possible to break the chains of emotional servitude. When someone has hurt you and you carry around your anger towards them, then they still have influence over you. You have the right to absolve yourself of these relationships. You have the right to not tolerate toxicity. You also have the obligation, and with the appropriate amount of time and healing, to forgive and let go and move forward in your life. The only way you can achieve joy and purpose is to forgive.
Forgiveness is derivative of love. It is the channel you want to be watching.
Chapter Sixteen
Gratitude
I am grateful for so many wonderful people, things and experiences in my life.
I am grateful for the adversity and experiences I have had that have taught me how to pay attention to all the many gifts I have received in my life. As I type this, I am sitting here mentally bombarded with so many different experiences that I want to share as an example of gratitude, and I know that I cannot fit them all into these pages. However, one stands out now. 98 steps, if I remember correctly. From the front of my tent to the bathroom tent. It took 98 steps or roughly five minutes to get from my tent in the desert of Prince Sultan Air Base in Saudi Arabia to the female latrine tent. Let me tell you, in the desert where temperatures during the day could hit 130 degrees Fahrenheit regularly, you had to keep yourself hydrated. At night before bed I would often drink a minimum of three bottles of water just to maintain my hydration in the climate-controlled environment of our tent. Mornings were rough to say the least. Waking up with a full bladder and having to throw on appropriate attire for the walk to the toilet was excruciating at times. Since the latrine tent was located next to the shower tent, my morning episode was often accompanied with the internal struggle of “do I grab my shower kit now or just come back later?” Sometimes my bladder would answer the question for me. Twenty-two years later, I still appreciate being able to leave my slumber, hair askew, no bra, and walk ten feet to my toilet to relieve myself and return to the cool sheets of my bed for a few more minutes. I appreciate not being exposed to three-digit temperatures first thing in the morning, but simply being able to wake up in a leisurely manner and find my way to my coffee. I am so grateful for running water, electricity, my own coffee maker with my favorite brand of coffee. I am grateful for having the experience of living in a tent with six other women all those years ago.
Gratitude, much like the expression of love we talked about previously, is also a practice. It’s a choice. We can all choose to be grateful. Granted, when we are under stress or are feeling as though our best laid plans will never come to fruition, we can always choose to find gratitude. We just have to know where to look.
Maybe you planned to be more financially independent at this point in your life or, perhaps, the relationship you desired with a particular partner didn’t work out. It can feel insurmountable to pull yourself out of a feeling of despair. Remember, each day is a brand-new day. If you decided to finally start losing weight but you slipped up and ate that piece of cheesecake (personal experience), know that you have a responsibility to be kind to yourself and start anew. Be grateful for the cheesecake! Did you enjoy it? (I did.) Moving forward in your journey, no matter what it
may be, remember there will be obstacles and roadblocks. Just like a road trip, you just need to re-configure your travel plans. That’s all you must do. Be grateful for these obstacles. I know it’s difficult, but when you achieve your goals, the obstacles that you have overcome make your success so much sweeter.
It’s all about perspective. When we have a healthy perspective, we can cultivate gratitude.
Having gratitude prevents unnecessary stress and can even mitigate depressive episodes.
Have you ever met someone who reminded you of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Isn’t it draining to be around someone who is an emotional vacuum? I’m not talking about someone who is dealing with a significant life issue such as grieving the loss of a loved one or divorce or some other heavy issue. I’m talking about the individual who is incessantly negative. We talked previously about toxic people and behaviors. Make no mistake, the “Debbie/Danny downer” is another aspect of this condition. While you may feel compelled to be compassionate towards these individuals who are compulsively negative, remember that it is a behavior that has been cultivated as a measure to manipulate others as a means to gain some sense of connection, albeit in a negative, passive aggressive way. While it is perfectly acceptable, and encouraged at times, to be supportive towards these types of people, it’s far more important to be mindful of their unwillingness to let go of their “victim-ness”, as it is the currency that they use to create their connection to others. You can always choose to model gratitude for these people without being pulled into their chasm of victimhood. You can do this without expressing any kind of judgment for their state of mind as well.
Maybe you are the “Debbie/Danny downer” in this scenario. If so, do you want to change? Do you want to feel gratitude? In the “Worthiness” chapter, I talk about all the years I spent negating joy in my own life as a measure of not calling attention to myself out of habit. Can you look inward and identify why you maybe at times feel isolated in your despair or despondent attitude? It’s ok if you can’t. Many of these ideas in this book take a while to germinate. Like a seed needs to absorb water and nutrients from the soil and sunlight, these ideas are like seeds. It’s ok if change doesn’t happen overnight.
The problem with gratitude
Believe it or not, many people can have issues with gratitude. If a person goes out of their way to help someone, the recipient of that assistance may feel an obligation. It’s perfectly acceptable to offer someone a few dollars for helping with a flat tire, or maybe a neighbor notices you left your garage door open. Perhaps a bottle of wine or a gift card to express gratitude for the assistance. Beyond that, there is no obligation. None. Now if someone is in your life who is consistently helping you out in one way or another, then there may be a feeling of obligation.
Are you obligated to anyone?
Do you have a neighbor who always returns your dog when he jumps the fence?
Maybe you have a co-worker who always offers to take your wastebin?
Expression of gratitude must match the overture. If you have a coworker who is consistent in helping, what is something that you can do to return the favor? Does your coworker expect anything in return that you’re not interested in giving?
Understanding the motivations behind a person’s efforts is key to a proper expression of gratitude. Maybe your coworker wants to ingratiate himself to you as a means of asking you out on a date? It all depends on whether you’re interested in your coworker that way. Maybe you have a strict rule about dating at work. Do you continue to allow your coworker to take your wastebin?
Being mindful of the intentions of others is key. It’s important to be aware while not being overly suspicious. One or two considerate overtures is appropriate to return with a verbal expression of gratitude. Beyond that, is something that requires further exploration.
Acceptance of favors and assistance
Gratitude is often overlooked if someone is interested in a different outcome. Why do people do what they do for others? Some folks are altruistic by nature and harmless. Others may be creating a climate where they can have an influence in your life. It’s always important to be aware of the difference.
Gratitude amid adversity
Imagine being in the middle of a life altering event, such as divorce, loss of a job, death of a loved one, grim medical diagnosis, financial devastation and being able to express a measure of gratitude. It’s not easy for sure, but it is possible. It is always a choice. The disappointment, shame, fear, and isolation of these events can cloak the heart of the most well intended person. However, even during these situations, it’s vital to at least maintain an awareness of what isn’t going wrong at a given moment of crisis. When we trip and fall, we may stay down for a minute, nursing our wounds and feeling as though it’s not worth getting up because “you’re just going to fall down again”. However, the key to survival in any of this is to realize that while wounded, you can still have gratitude. You can be pissed off that your partner left you for someone else and still be grateful you can afford to live in your house alone or your children are safe and healthy. You can be disappointed you lost your job but grateful you have plenty of savings in the bank or that you can sell your house and move into that smaller apartment near the waterfront. Sometimes discovering your cancer has metastasized is the motivation you need to take that trip to Africa while you still can.
You can feel two emotions at once. It’s not about denying your disappointment or anger and opting for gratitude as your elected emotion. That’s delusional and we don’t want that. All I am saying is maintain levity in your emotional position. Hold space for your anger or your fear, but be aware that the sky isn’t in fact falling on your head. Hold space for your disappointment that your marriage ended but know that you’ll move onward and will find a new path while expressing gratitude for the opportunity to make decisions in your life without having to ask someone else what their opinion is. Even a grim diagnosis can motivate a person to look inward and evolve towards their goals in life, albeit more expeditiously, than they had ever intended.
I don’t know if I would appreciate the time with my grandparents on their small rural Alabama acreage as a child had I not been so burdened with the hardship of dealing with an abusive homelife. To this day, scuppernong grapes are a thing of the past. I’ve never been able to find any anywhere, as my grandmother had a vine planted behind the house. It’s just as well, I suppose, as I cannot imagine finding any that would replicate the experience of being able to pick them in the mid-day Alabama summer heat, biting into one and having the hot sour-sweetness become the tasty reminder that I was safe. I don’t even know if they are available at farmers markets. I’ve never seen them, but I can’t imagine they would even come close to my grandmother’s. My gratitude and appreciation for this aspect of my childhood runs deep because of my ability to compare it to my adversity. Early morning visits to the hen house, the grass dewy under our feet, and the humid air carrying notes of pecan and manure all encapsulate my sense of childhood safety. I am grateful to have had beautiful, devout and faithful grandparents who colored my world with these gentle reminders that my life was meaningful and worthwhile. I don’t know what choices I would have made in my life were it not for their balance against the torrential experience of my childhood. I am grateful.
My healthy, happy, intelligent, thoughtful, and caring children make me grateful every day. No matter what else I accomplish in my life, I know that my greatest achievements are already here. They do good things and make the world a better place. They, and they alone, are my one true purpose. I am so deeply grateful for them. I am grateful they are happy and healthy people. I am grateful that they see the world through grateful and kind eyes.
Despite the dissolution of our marriage, I am grateful for my ex-husband. Our relationship has been a rocky one and, while it evolved into something different, I am deeply grateful for having it. He has always challenged me, both t
hrough intentional and most often unintentional ways of doing better. He always believed in me, and whether he expressed it explicitly, his actions were always an indication that he knew who and what I was well before I did. I am grateful for this. I am grateful for him and I am grateful for what our relationship has now become.
I am grateful for our son’s birth father for obvious reasons. We were never meant to be and that’s ok. I got the best part of the deal and for the first six years of his life, I didn’t have to share him with anyone. I am grateful for that experience. Having been a single mother was my glimpse into learning how to self-love. It started with my unconditional love for my baby (detailed at length in the Love chapter) but then evolved into my willingness to love myself for my baby and then for myself. Without this experience I have no doubt that I would not be where I am today. I am grateful for this experience.
What are you grateful for? How have your experiences shaped your view of the world and yourself? Are there aspects of your life that you’d like to be more grateful for?
Chapter Seventeen
Conclusion
My hope for you is that you have been able to find answers to questions you’ve held in your heart over the years. While there is no book available to permanently cure the long-term effects of trauma, my continued hope is that you have begun a journey of healing that won’t just stop with this book.
I pride myself on being a good therapist and I would even assert that most clinicians go into this work with the same intentions. However, I encourage you to continue to seek out answers. Whether that is by finding other books to read or by cultivating a rapport with a professional counselor. Remember, you get to decide what is helpful and what isn’t. Keep reading but always seek the treatment of a professional along the way. Experiencing trauma is but one aspect of mental unwellness. There are genetic predispositions that can adversely affect your sense of wellbeing too.